Monday, October 29, 2012

I need help.

It's been awhile. I've been busy with college and stuff, but since we don't have school tomorrow, I'm writing now. I need to.

This post is going to be selfish. It's going to be about me. It's going to be that way because I need to vent.

I feel so lost. I feel like my life is spiraling downward. Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful life, but I'm so stressed out that I'm starting to forget all the beauty around me.

I've said before that I'm anorexic. I was okay for awhile . . . now I'm slipping back into it. I feel like I'm gaining weight from stress. Everyone says I'm so skinny, I have the perfect body . . . but I just don't see it. I see fat. I see this little bubble of fat on my stomach that is steadily growing.

So what do I do?

I stop eating. I can't help it.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know I'm not fat. But the majority of my mind tells me, "Yes, you are." And you know what sucks?

I believe it.

And I'm so insecure that part of me wants this just so I can feel like people care about me, even though I already know that I am so loved and so blessed beyond measure.

I hate mind games.

This whole post was word vomit, stream of consciousness. I'm past the point of caring. If you can find it in your heart to pray for me  . . . please, do so. And if you want to email me, either to comfort me or to seek comfort (or both), I would love that.

And as for you, anorexia . . . kiss my ass.


Thursday, July 5, 2012

Let freedom ring, but not too loudly.

First off, I'd like to say happy 4th of July to everyone. And let us take a moment of silence to commemorate the service members who sacrifice their lives every day (and those who have given up their lives already) to keep this country the land of the free. Never mind that this is actually posted on July 5th.

This post isn't about patriotism, though. Lately, I've been seeing a lot of mention of modesty and urges for women to respect themselves. Naturally, all of this has been met with a lot of "don't tell me what to do with my body" sort of comments.

I used to be just like that. It still kind of irritates me, to tell the truth. Simply because these kinds of messages are aimed at women, making it seem like it is totally our responsibility to make sure men don't lust after us. It's one thing to make an effort to not be a stumbling block, but it's quite another thing to say that men can't help it at all that they do stupid things as a direct result of getting turned on by seeing a girl showing a bit of skin. I understand that if you walk around with your boobs and butt hanging out, wearing tight clothes, and just acting really provocative in general, that is bad and you really can't complain if guys look at you like a piece of meat, because honestly, that's what you're presenting yourself as. But to say that guys have no self-control and it's your own fault if they look at you like that when you're wearing perfectly modest clothing and acting respectable . . . no. Just no.

Gahhh DX I am tired again. I'm sorry. I'll get back on topic now.

Anyway. The thing is, those people who tell you to cover up (within reason) . . . they're right. Your boobs do go in your shirt. Your butt does go in your pants. Your middle finger should be down. You get the picture. If you respect yourself, people will respect you. If you post pictures of yourself on Facebook in nothing more than a few threads and parade around like you're the sexiest thing alive, then you're just asking for those pigs to treat you like a piece of meat. Because you know what? That's what you're acting like. True, it is your body, and no one can really control what you do with it. But just think about whether or not you want to be a girl who has a bunch of one-night stands with guys who couldn't care less about her. I don't have firsthand experience of this (and never will, because I respect myself enough to know I'm better than that), but I can tell you one thing - a long, committed relationship beats any of that crap by a long shot. I'm not trying to attack anyone, because I know what it feels like to be told this over and over and over, especially when you don't feel like you're doing anything wrong. And it's okay to disagree with me. If you don't see what I mean right now, you will in time.

And now I'm going to address the guys, because I am not going to be one of those people that blames the girls for everything. Guys, I understand you're turned on by sight. I understand you can't control this. But what you can control is continuing to look at the girl(s) and thinking disgusting thoughts about them. I'm not saying it's easy, but I am saying it's doable. You can help shouting horrible, disgusting, degrading things at every girl who walks down the street. You can help feeling up a girl, even after she's told you to stop. I can tell you as a person who went through all of that, it's not okay. And trust me, when it happened to me, I was wearing much more than just a few threads. But more on that later. I'm not being totally insensitive, because I understand a little of what you guys go through with that. I could never understand it completely, but from what my boyfriend tells me, it's kind of hard for guys to keep it flaccid when a girl presents herself in that way. Just exercise a bit of self-control, that's all I'm asking. Self-respect goes for you guys too, and if you always act like you just want one-night stands, no girl in her right mind will ever see you as a guy she could see herself marrying one day.

The meaning of the title for this blog post is that you have the freedom to present yourself in whatever way you want. Absolutely. If you want to post nude pictures on the internet, who is going to stop you? It's your body, your life, your decision. But just because you can do things doesn't mean you should do them. Doing that could seriously screw up a job opportunity for you one day, in addition to never being viewed as much more than an object. I absolutely cannot tell anyone how they should dress or behave, because I know that even if you're completely covered, as I was all those times I was violated, some guys will still treat you badly. Modesty is subjective. Your culture might view skirts to the knees, short-sleeved shirts, and flip flops as immodest. Others might view anything less than a woman being completely covered except for her face as immodest. You just have to go by your own moral standards and judge yourself. Yourself. Not everyone is going to agree with the way you view modesty, and you won't agree with everyone else. It's important not to judge other people. I am not excusing the way people view those who choose to live a less than holy lifestyle, not at all. I'm saying it happens and you're an idiot if you think you can get away with it. But you don't have to be one of the people who trash talks every girl in shorts, or whatever. Make them feel beautiful and secure, but don't enable them to continue acting immodestly, and they will begin to respect themselves. I also think you're an idiot if you think yelling at someone to just put some pants on will have positive long-term results. But that's just me.

I'm really tired. I'm sorry. I'm ending it here. If you're struggling with this, or if you just don't understand what I mean very well, please feel free to email me. And pray. I always encourage that. God will help you way better than I ever could.

Good night, my lovelies!


Wednesday, July 4, 2012

God can do it all for you.

Hi guys, sorry I haven't been posting. Life interfered.

Most of the drama is over, for which I am grateful. Things aren't perfect, but they never are. I'm content, for the most part.

Things are falling into place. Not the way I imagined them, but the way God planned them. I wanted a bunch of things that just weren't going to happen. God got tough with me and told me He had better things planned. So I fought Him tooth and nail, naturally. But it turned out to be better than I ever thought it would if I did things my way.

I guess this post is about letting God take control of your life. At least, that's where my fingers and my sleep-deprived brain are taking me.

And guys, please don't think I'm shoving Christianity down your throats. If you don't believe, you don't believe, and I can't change that. I wish I could. I wish everyone could see how beautiful a life with Jesus as your best friend can be. But I can't. And if my talking about it all the time offends you or anything, you absolutely are not forced to read this. It's just that this is my blog, and I express myself here. I'm a very headstrong person and I generally do what I want. Not saying I'm disrespectful and I do a bunch of illegal stuff, but I have control of my life (within reason, because I don't want to contradict myself), and I do what I think I need to do to better myself.

Geez, I'm rambling. Okay. Let's try to get back on topic.

Let's use an example from my life. Not a very recent one, and not with a lot of details, because I want to keep as much anonymity as I can (although I might have already ruined that with another post). Anyway. I used to think I was absolutely, positively, completely in love with this guy. We talked all the time, and I had fallen head over heels for him. There was a slight distance problem that would have made a serious relationship pretty hard to manage, but I figured if we were really in love, then it wouldn't matter (I still believe that, but not with him, obviously). I thought I loved him for about two and a half years, and when you're an early teen, that's a long time to be infatuated with someone. You believe all that stupid crap about how if you like someone for so long, you're definitely in love with them.

What I failed to realize was that he was completely uninterested in me. I guess I knew it somewhere in the back of my mind, but again, I was a young teenager, and I didn't want to believe it. I remember crying to my mom several times about how I didn't want anyone else, and I didn't understand why he didn't love me back. Sometimes, our relationship was great. Best friends. Other times, I wanted to smack him because he treated me terribly. Of course, I blamed myself for being annoying, but that was before I became the person I am today, with the attitude of not taking any crap off of anyone.

So imagine my shock and pain when he got with another girl. A girl that I had been good friends with for awhile, who I had no idea that he even liked. I tried to get over it. I tried to be supportive. Of course, I was accused of trying to hit on him and get him to leave her for me. None of it was true, obviously. I might have been hurt seemingly beyond repair, but I do not try to steal other girls' boyfriends.

Anyway, I was devastated. Absolutely heartbroken. I shut out most people for a long time. I didn't talk to the two of them for a few months, maybe longer. I can't remember exactly how long. I made it worse by not talking to anyone outside of the situation about it. I shut it all in until I blew up. I can't remember exactly how it happened, it was so long ago (and I'm tired lol). But it was bad.

So a few months passed by. Prom rolled around. My best friend in school asked me. I wasn't planning on going, but I figured what the heck, I'd give him a chance. I knew he liked me, and I was really starting to like him back now that I had stopped obsessing over the guy who I was too blind to see had broken my heart. My heart was healing and I figured I could risk someone else taking it over, at least for a little while.

Best decision I have ever made. Ever. He is literally the best thing to ever happen to me. Holy crap. We've been together over a year and we haven't had any major life-altering problems yet. We laugh over the stupidest stuff, and send those long, mushy text messages telling each other how amazing they are. We have had complete strangers come up to us in public to tell us how amazing of a couple we are. I really think he's the one. :)

I absolutely believe God led me to him. We aren't perfect. We don't always put Him first. But I know that I was not meant to be with that other guy. I fought God tooth and nail to change how things were going to be so that I could end up with the other guy, but I see now how stupid I was to ever cry over him or dream of marrying him and having kids one day. Now I want that with my best friend. You know, the one who actually loves me and accepts me exactly the way I am.

So if you're in a position like the one I was in, please email me. Talk to me about it. I'm here for all of you. Trust me, I know what it's like.

God can do it. You don't have to worry. Just let Him make all your decisions for you and then listen to Him. Trust me, He knows what He's doing way better than any of us do.

I am so tired. Haha. I'm barely making sense to myself. Good night, you guys. I love you.


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Just let go.

I know I made a post that dealt with this a few days ago, but certain events in my life have made me realize I need to say it again. Not only because the world needs to hear this in order to have any hope in being saved, but because I need to hear it too.

These past few days have been filled with drama over a horrendous breakup and a bitter ex of one of my closest friends. He's like a brother to me and I've been defending him like crazy, as have his friends and family.

But honestly . . . it's getting way out of hand. People are making threats worse than those just meant to cheer up the ex. And excuse me for saying so, but I don't know when comforting a girl over a breakup went from ice cream, a movie, and talking about the ex-boyfriend to threatening to cause bodily harm to him on Facebook, but it's absolutely ridiculous.

I'm done being involved. I'm letting parents handle it now because it's honestly just out of my hands. I'll be there for my friend, but I'm done worrying over it publicly.

And if you're in a situation like this, do the same. Turn the other cheek. Continuing to be involved in drama is ridiculous and helps no one. I can't say more about the situation because I don't want people emailing me cussing me out and trying to threaten me.

That's it because I'm tired of going to bed so late and my mom needs the computer. I'm sorry I can't give a more in-depth explanation of what I mean, I just figure it's pretty self-explanatory. But if you'd like to discuss this further and if you need help with anything like this, feel free to email me. I'm here for you.

Love you guys!


Everybody needs some unicorns and cuppycakes sometimes.

This week, I'm volunteering at my church as a crafts helper for the pre-school through first grade children. The memory verse for today was Exodus 20:11, yet another reference to God's creation of the world, and His rest on the seventh day. The main crafts teacher repeatedly emphasized to each group of kids that everyone needs a break sometimes, even God. It got me thinking, and I decided to write today's blog post on this.

I'm sure you've heard at least once in your life, whether it be from your school, parents, or just random influences in your life, that leisure is unnecessary.

I'm going to just cut to the chase. I absolutely, totally, completely disagree. With all of my being.

I used to believe that. In high school, I took a lot of higher level classes, and the workload seemed almost insurmountable. Several (not-fun) people told me I was goofing off too much and I needed to manage my time better. In a way, they were right. I was young and immature, and I did need to develop my time-management skills better. However, I interpreted this in a way that was too extreme. I cut out almost all fun in my life so I could focus on school. It got so bad that it was suggested that I stop doing Bible study every day so that I could focus on my work, which I eventually did and which I'm still struggling greatly with getting back into. Don't get me wrong, all the hard work paid off. I graduated in the top 5% of my class and all that. I'm on my way to do great things. 

But that doesn't change the fact that I threw away a lot of the fun, character-developing experiences I could have had. I literally did not ever get out of my house until almost the end of my junior year, when my boyfriend and I got together and he showed me that it was okay to have a life (thanks babe, I never could have done this without you). I never went to a football game until my senior year. I rarely went to see the school plays. I went to my chorus concerts, which were about three times a year. I stopped going to youth group so I could do homework.

I was doing great academically.

I was doing horribly emotionally.

My whole life was consumed with work. I had no outlet. Sure, I had some friends to talk to, but I mostly kept to myself to make more time to get my work done. I would ask to do things, and my parents would make me feel guilty for wanting to do something other that schoolwork, so I eventually just stopped arguing, and then I stopped asking to do things outside the house altogether. (I don't want to blame my parents; I know they love me and it certainly wasn't their goal to depress me. They just want what's best for me.) I was so unhappy I was suicidal. It affected my friendships greatly. Many fights were had and I regret everything. And while I never did cut or actually attempt to kill myself, I contemplated it many times. I became anorexic as a result of the stress I was under (I'm still anorexic because the stress turned into body image issues that I'm still struggling with). I'm still not fixed - I still contemplate suicide sometimes, but it's very rarely. I have way too much to live for now. And it's all because I have a life. I allow myself to have fun, and I tell myself that the work will always be there. Don't get me wrong, I don't ignore it, and I allow adequate time to get it done. But I do this more efficiently now that I am happy.

My point is that if you allow your life to be consumed with work and if you never have fun, it will negatively impact your life in ways you never even dreamed existed.. I know you've at least heard of workaholics. They don't allow time for much else besides work, and a little bit of sleeping, breathing, and eating. Their families are often neglected, if they even took the time to start one. I'm absolutely not judging them, I'm just saying what I know from what I've seen. And I know that from my experience of being a workaholic (with school) that I never want that again. I don't ever want to make others the victims of my inability to enjoy life again.

If you're the victim of circumstances like these, or the victim of anything at all, please feel free to email me. Trust me, I understand. Everything will be okay. Just keep your head up and trust God. Remember, He understands what you're going through infinitely better than I do! So if you don't trust me to help you, maybe you should give Him a chance. After all, even the Man Upstairs needs a break sometimes.

And I'm sorry if I sound like one of those commercials that go, "If you are the victim of [insert disease/medication/procedural complications/etc. here], you may be entitled to compensation . . ."

You guys are so great. :)


Monday, June 25, 2012

Eating disorders.

As horrible as your health class makes them sound, and as much as you want to believe they don't really exist, people actually subject themselves to that torture. They believe it's not as bad as it really is. Often, they don't believe they have a problem. It's quite common.

I won't go into explaining them all, because my point is not to give you a health lesson. Anorexia means you don't eat, bulimia means you eat way too much and then make yourself throw up, and when you binge it means you eat way too much. That's as much as I'll tell you, because that's about as much as I know. There have to be more than just those three out there, and just those three have to be more complicated than I understand. I don't pretend to know everything, like so many others in the world.

Even if you don't want to have an eating disorder, once you allow it to consume you, as with anything else, you can't just quit cold turkey. And you can't do it alone. I know this firsthand. I'm anorexic. There. I said it. I hate eating. Even though I know I'm a healthy weight, it just doesn't register. I know that I have a problem. I know that going on a sandwich or two a day isn't healthy. I blame it on not being able to find something I want, or just being too busy to eat. I eat a decent amount and tell myself I've eaten too much, when in all seriousness I know I'm barely surviving on how little I eat. I know that's not okay.

I need help. I've had help from some amazing people, my boyfriend being the first one to tell me I need to eat something. He's forced me to sit down and eat something before. That's how much he loves me. And I don't want to make anyone feel bad and seem like I'm bragging or anything, but I just don't think he's worth hiding. I know he'll see this, and I just want him to know I'm not being obnoxious and trying to tell him that his decision to leave me out of his blog and concentrate on other things is something I'm not okay with. I love you hun, and thank you for everything.

Let me tell you, boy or girl, you are way too beautiful to allow something like body image to allow you to hurt yourself. I don't care if you weigh 600 pounds, you are absolutely freaking beautiful and you deserve to know it and believe it. I don't care if you're 90 pounds, maybe even lower, and people feel like they'll break you if they hug you. You just don't deserve to feel that way and I am so sorry that you do.

If any of you need help, you can email me. I understand at least the basics of what you're going through. Talk to me. Please. I don't want anyone to die because no one cared enough to listen to them about why they're turning to self-harm to deal with stress or whatever.

I love you all.


Sunday, June 24, 2012

Lessons learned.

Today has been quite a day. It's been a mixture of people hurting each other seemingly beyond repair, and finding the greatest joy in the smallest things in life. Back and forth, all over the place. It was confusing, but I learned things.

First, I learned that even if you don't want to do something, go do it anyway. I helped a very special friend celebrate her 13th birthday today. Don't get me wrong, I love her, and I wanted to celebrate with her. 13 is a very special birthday. It means you're not a kid anymore, and you're growing up. But you can still have little kid parties at the local skating rink or whatever and it's socially acceptable. She chose to have it at a putt putt place, which normally I cannot find any fun in. But besides the renovations that make the place totally freakin' AMAZING, I was with my friends and I learned that if you're with the right people, you can brighten any situation and make it at least bearable.

But let me tell you, I had an absolute BLAST with this kid and her two older brothers. Best time I've had in a long time.

And she got me ice cream from the ice cream man when he drove by later that day. :)

Next, I learned that even if you're absolutely terrified to do something, do it anyway. Fear is not of God, and you need to trust Him to help you out of it. One of the best ways, albeit the scariest way, to overcome fear is to face it. I hate horror films. Absolutely despise them. They freak me out and I usually either lose sleep over them or have horrible nightmares. Today, however, I was hanging out with my boyfriend and his brother and didn't have to go home until sort of late, and I didn't know they had planned to see a movie. I had money on me, and I didn't exactly want to go home early, so I asked if I could go too. I knew the people they were going with, and I actually like these people (that's another thing about me - I have a hard time tolerating people), so I figured I'd be okay.

Then I found out what movie they were seeing.

It's that new Abraham Lincoln movie, the one where he's a vampire slayer and all that. Lots of blood. Lots of violence. Lots of scary stuff.

Lots of stuff I didn't think I could handle.

However, I was NOT going home just because I was too scared to go see a bunch of people onscreen in a bunch of gory makeup stage fighting. So I toughed it out. My boyfriend was super supportive and had his arm around me the whole time and made sure I was okay. He helped me laugh at the gory, violent scenes (they threw a horse at a vampire to kill him, what the heck?).

I don't think I'll be having any nightmares tonight. :)

And probably the most important lesson I learned today is to just let things go and forgive people who hurt you. Forget the horrible things they said to you and did to you. It's hard, but you have to let it go, or it will eat you up inside and you'll be so bitter you can't save the world. And isn't that what this whole blog is about?

Someone really close to me went through some really tough times with a crazy (now ex) girlfriend. She treated him like crap and expected him to treat her like royalty. She broke up with him a few weeks ago because he had changed, she said. Two weeks later she asks to get back together, says she's sorry, and that things were her fault too. He gave her another chance. She treated him even worse. He finally stood up to her last night, and she called him screaming and broke up with him, and harassed him well into the night through text, and early this morning, until their parents finally put a stop to it. Then she publicly disgraced him on his Facebook wall and called him all sorts of horrible things. When he blocked her and deleted her posts, he made a status about how he was going to find someone who loved him all the time, unconditionally, no strings attached. Her friend comments on it and harasses him and his parents.

Tonight, someone else very close to my heart posted a link to his blog on Facebook and asked all his friends to read it, and that it would mean a lot to him if they would. The first person to comment on it told him he should change the color scheme. The guy used to be one of my absolute best friends. I could tell him anything. But then stuff got in the way of our almost sibling-like friendship and now all we do is fight. It hurts a lot. Anyway, my friend commented back and said thanks for the feedback, but he'd like to keep his blog the way it is for now. The guy absolutely flips out, says that he's disrespecting his oh-so popular and successful blog that he's spent so much money on, and that he knows what he's talking about, and that my friend was SO disrespectful. I got in on it, argued with him, but he absolutely and completely ignored all my comments. And I can't even begin to describe how much it hurts.

The knee-jerk reaction to this is to hate the girl and her friend and this guy for what they did. The girl did some pretty horrible things to me as well, and I hated her for a long time, not just for what she did to me, but for the way she treated my friend and his entire family. I'm still struggling with it, but I think I'm starting to get better. We shouldn't hate her, as tempting as it is. We should still look at her potential to be beautiful. If she gets help, and if we all love her and support her without enabling her, she can change. Same for the guy. I honestly don't want to be like a sister to him ever again, because I remember how easily our relationship was destroyed the first time, and I am in no way willing to put myself through that kind of pain again. But he has a different life now, and I hope that he can be happy without me as a sister. He's beautiful too. And I need to let go of what these people have done to me, or I can't save the world, and that's the last thing I want to happen. I just have to keep telling myself that. This is a healing experience for me as well, as I've said before.

It's people like them that inspire me to want to save the world. The world needs saving from people like them, but even more than that, the people like them need saving from themselves. They are trapped by their own emotions and insecurities. They are the ones to whom I want to present a more positive, loving way of living.

Come on, guys. Let's save the world. We can do it.