Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Just let go.

I know I made a post that dealt with this a few days ago, but certain events in my life have made me realize I need to say it again. Not only because the world needs to hear this in order to have any hope in being saved, but because I need to hear it too.

These past few days have been filled with drama over a horrendous breakup and a bitter ex of one of my closest friends. He's like a brother to me and I've been defending him like crazy, as have his friends and family.

But honestly . . . it's getting way out of hand. People are making threats worse than those just meant to cheer up the ex. And excuse me for saying so, but I don't know when comforting a girl over a breakup went from ice cream, a movie, and talking about the ex-boyfriend to threatening to cause bodily harm to him on Facebook, but it's absolutely ridiculous.

I'm done being involved. I'm letting parents handle it now because it's honestly just out of my hands. I'll be there for my friend, but I'm done worrying over it publicly.

And if you're in a situation like this, do the same. Turn the other cheek. Continuing to be involved in drama is ridiculous and helps no one. I can't say more about the situation because I don't want people emailing me cussing me out and trying to threaten me.

That's it because I'm tired of going to bed so late and my mom needs the computer. I'm sorry I can't give a more in-depth explanation of what I mean, I just figure it's pretty self-explanatory. But if you'd like to discuss this further and if you need help with anything like this, feel free to email me. I'm here for you.

Love you guys!

~Bella

Everybody needs some unicorns and cuppycakes sometimes.

This week, I'm volunteering at my church as a crafts helper for the pre-school through first grade children. The memory verse for today was Exodus 20:11, yet another reference to God's creation of the world, and His rest on the seventh day. The main crafts teacher repeatedly emphasized to each group of kids that everyone needs a break sometimes, even God. It got me thinking, and I decided to write today's blog post on this.

I'm sure you've heard at least once in your life, whether it be from your school, parents, or just random influences in your life, that leisure is unnecessary.

I'm going to just cut to the chase. I absolutely, totally, completely disagree. With all of my being.

I used to believe that. In high school, I took a lot of higher level classes, and the workload seemed almost insurmountable. Several (not-fun) people told me I was goofing off too much and I needed to manage my time better. In a way, they were right. I was young and immature, and I did need to develop my time-management skills better. However, I interpreted this in a way that was too extreme. I cut out almost all fun in my life so I could focus on school. It got so bad that it was suggested that I stop doing Bible study every day so that I could focus on my work, which I eventually did and which I'm still struggling greatly with getting back into. Don't get me wrong, all the hard work paid off. I graduated in the top 5% of my class and all that. I'm on my way to do great things. 

But that doesn't change the fact that I threw away a lot of the fun, character-developing experiences I could have had. I literally did not ever get out of my house until almost the end of my junior year, when my boyfriend and I got together and he showed me that it was okay to have a life (thanks babe, I never could have done this without you). I never went to a football game until my senior year. I rarely went to see the school plays. I went to my chorus concerts, which were about three times a year. I stopped going to youth group so I could do homework.

I was doing great academically.

I was doing horribly emotionally.

My whole life was consumed with work. I had no outlet. Sure, I had some friends to talk to, but I mostly kept to myself to make more time to get my work done. I would ask to do things, and my parents would make me feel guilty for wanting to do something other that schoolwork, so I eventually just stopped arguing, and then I stopped asking to do things outside the house altogether. (I don't want to blame my parents; I know they love me and it certainly wasn't their goal to depress me. They just want what's best for me.) I was so unhappy I was suicidal. It affected my friendships greatly. Many fights were had and I regret everything. And while I never did cut or actually attempt to kill myself, I contemplated it many times. I became anorexic as a result of the stress I was under (I'm still anorexic because the stress turned into body image issues that I'm still struggling with). I'm still not fixed - I still contemplate suicide sometimes, but it's very rarely. I have way too much to live for now. And it's all because I have a life. I allow myself to have fun, and I tell myself that the work will always be there. Don't get me wrong, I don't ignore it, and I allow adequate time to get it done. But I do this more efficiently now that I am happy.

My point is that if you allow your life to be consumed with work and if you never have fun, it will negatively impact your life in ways you never even dreamed existed.. I know you've at least heard of workaholics. They don't allow time for much else besides work, and a little bit of sleeping, breathing, and eating. Their families are often neglected, if they even took the time to start one. I'm absolutely not judging them, I'm just saying what I know from what I've seen. And I know that from my experience of being a workaholic (with school) that I never want that again. I don't ever want to make others the victims of my inability to enjoy life again.

If you're the victim of circumstances like these, or the victim of anything at all, please feel free to email me. Trust me, I understand. Everything will be okay. Just keep your head up and trust God. Remember, He understands what you're going through infinitely better than I do! So if you don't trust me to help you, maybe you should give Him a chance. After all, even the Man Upstairs needs a break sometimes.

And I'm sorry if I sound like one of those commercials that go, "If you are the victim of [insert disease/medication/procedural complications/etc. here], you may be entitled to compensation . . ."

You guys are so great. :)

~Bella

Monday, June 25, 2012

Eating disorders.

As horrible as your health class makes them sound, and as much as you want to believe they don't really exist, people actually subject themselves to that torture. They believe it's not as bad as it really is. Often, they don't believe they have a problem. It's quite common.

I won't go into explaining them all, because my point is not to give you a health lesson. Anorexia means you don't eat, bulimia means you eat way too much and then make yourself throw up, and when you binge it means you eat way too much. That's as much as I'll tell you, because that's about as much as I know. There have to be more than just those three out there, and just those three have to be more complicated than I understand. I don't pretend to know everything, like so many others in the world.

Even if you don't want to have an eating disorder, once you allow it to consume you, as with anything else, you can't just quit cold turkey. And you can't do it alone. I know this firsthand. I'm anorexic. There. I said it. I hate eating. Even though I know I'm a healthy weight, it just doesn't register. I know that I have a problem. I know that going on a sandwich or two a day isn't healthy. I blame it on not being able to find something I want, or just being too busy to eat. I eat a decent amount and tell myself I've eaten too much, when in all seriousness I know I'm barely surviving on how little I eat. I know that's not okay.

I need help. I've had help from some amazing people, my boyfriend being the first one to tell me I need to eat something. He's forced me to sit down and eat something before. That's how much he loves me. And I don't want to make anyone feel bad and seem like I'm bragging or anything, but I just don't think he's worth hiding. I know he'll see this, and I just want him to know I'm not being obnoxious and trying to tell him that his decision to leave me out of his blog and concentrate on other things is something I'm not okay with. I love you hun, and thank you for everything.

Let me tell you, boy or girl, you are way too beautiful to allow something like body image to allow you to hurt yourself. I don't care if you weigh 600 pounds, you are absolutely freaking beautiful and you deserve to know it and believe it. I don't care if you're 90 pounds, maybe even lower, and people feel like they'll break you if they hug you. You just don't deserve to feel that way and I am so sorry that you do.

If any of you need help, you can email me. I understand at least the basics of what you're going through. Talk to me. Please. I don't want anyone to die because no one cared enough to listen to them about why they're turning to self-harm to deal with stress or whatever.

I love you all.

~Bella

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Lessons learned.

Today has been quite a day. It's been a mixture of people hurting each other seemingly beyond repair, and finding the greatest joy in the smallest things in life. Back and forth, all over the place. It was confusing, but I learned things.

First, I learned that even if you don't want to do something, go do it anyway. I helped a very special friend celebrate her 13th birthday today. Don't get me wrong, I love her, and I wanted to celebrate with her. 13 is a very special birthday. It means you're not a kid anymore, and you're growing up. But you can still have little kid parties at the local skating rink or whatever and it's socially acceptable. She chose to have it at a putt putt place, which normally I cannot find any fun in. But besides the renovations that make the place totally freakin' AMAZING, I was with my friends and I learned that if you're with the right people, you can brighten any situation and make it at least bearable.

But let me tell you, I had an absolute BLAST with this kid and her two older brothers. Best time I've had in a long time.

And she got me ice cream from the ice cream man when he drove by later that day. :)

Next, I learned that even if you're absolutely terrified to do something, do it anyway. Fear is not of God, and you need to trust Him to help you out of it. One of the best ways, albeit the scariest way, to overcome fear is to face it. I hate horror films. Absolutely despise them. They freak me out and I usually either lose sleep over them or have horrible nightmares. Today, however, I was hanging out with my boyfriend and his brother and didn't have to go home until sort of late, and I didn't know they had planned to see a movie. I had money on me, and I didn't exactly want to go home early, so I asked if I could go too. I knew the people they were going with, and I actually like these people (that's another thing about me - I have a hard time tolerating people), so I figured I'd be okay.

Then I found out what movie they were seeing.

It's that new Abraham Lincoln movie, the one where he's a vampire slayer and all that. Lots of blood. Lots of violence. Lots of scary stuff.

Lots of stuff I didn't think I could handle.

However, I was NOT going home just because I was too scared to go see a bunch of people onscreen in a bunch of gory makeup stage fighting. So I toughed it out. My boyfriend was super supportive and had his arm around me the whole time and made sure I was okay. He helped me laugh at the gory, violent scenes (they threw a horse at a vampire to kill him, what the heck?).

I don't think I'll be having any nightmares tonight. :)

And probably the most important lesson I learned today is to just let things go and forgive people who hurt you. Forget the horrible things they said to you and did to you. It's hard, but you have to let it go, or it will eat you up inside and you'll be so bitter you can't save the world. And isn't that what this whole blog is about?

Someone really close to me went through some really tough times with a crazy (now ex) girlfriend. She treated him like crap and expected him to treat her like royalty. She broke up with him a few weeks ago because he had changed, she said. Two weeks later she asks to get back together, says she's sorry, and that things were her fault too. He gave her another chance. She treated him even worse. He finally stood up to her last night, and she called him screaming and broke up with him, and harassed him well into the night through text, and early this morning, until their parents finally put a stop to it. Then she publicly disgraced him on his Facebook wall and called him all sorts of horrible things. When he blocked her and deleted her posts, he made a status about how he was going to find someone who loved him all the time, unconditionally, no strings attached. Her friend comments on it and harasses him and his parents.

Tonight, someone else very close to my heart posted a link to his blog on Facebook and asked all his friends to read it, and that it would mean a lot to him if they would. The first person to comment on it told him he should change the color scheme. The guy used to be one of my absolute best friends. I could tell him anything. But then stuff got in the way of our almost sibling-like friendship and now all we do is fight. It hurts a lot. Anyway, my friend commented back and said thanks for the feedback, but he'd like to keep his blog the way it is for now. The guy absolutely flips out, says that he's disrespecting his oh-so popular and successful blog that he's spent so much money on, and that he knows what he's talking about, and that my friend was SO disrespectful. I got in on it, argued with him, but he absolutely and completely ignored all my comments. And I can't even begin to describe how much it hurts.

The knee-jerk reaction to this is to hate the girl and her friend and this guy for what they did. The girl did some pretty horrible things to me as well, and I hated her for a long time, not just for what she did to me, but for the way she treated my friend and his entire family. I'm still struggling with it, but I think I'm starting to get better. We shouldn't hate her, as tempting as it is. We should still look at her potential to be beautiful. If she gets help, and if we all love her and support her without enabling her, she can change. Same for the guy. I honestly don't want to be like a sister to him ever again, because I remember how easily our relationship was destroyed the first time, and I am in no way willing to put myself through that kind of pain again. But he has a different life now, and I hope that he can be happy without me as a sister. He's beautiful too. And I need to let go of what these people have done to me, or I can't save the world, and that's the last thing I want to happen. I just have to keep telling myself that. This is a healing experience for me as well, as I've said before.

It's people like them that inspire me to want to save the world. The world needs saving from people like them, but even more than that, the people like them need saving from themselves. They are trapped by their own emotions and insecurities. They are the ones to whom I want to present a more positive, loving way of living.

Come on, guys. Let's save the world. We can do it.

~Bella

Saturday, June 23, 2012

I'm on a mission.

Hi, my name is Bella. I'm on a mission to save the world, one person at a time. And you know what?

There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop me.

Okay, so my name isn't really Bella. But who cares? I don't want anyone to know my real name. I want this blog to be a secret from everyone. I want everyone who reads this to think they've never met me in their life. Anonymity means protection. And trust me, I've been hurt enough in my life that I'm not willing to chance it again.

I sat around for a long time trying to think of a pen name to use for this blog. Finally I remembered one word from my five years of study of the Spanish language - bella, which means "beautiful." I believe everyone is beautiful in their own special way. Even me. Although I beat myself up a lot and have horribly low self-esteem, after a little prodding and encouragement from my amazing, wonderful boyfriend, I thought it was high time I stood up to myself and said, "I'm beautiful and nothing can stop me."

So here I am, bella as ever.

I'm on a mission to save the world. That sounds crazy, right? Absolutely. But I'm not talking about curing cancer or AIDS or world hunger. Not at all. Don't get me wrong, those are amazing goals and I commend anyone who works to save the world in that way. But I'm not an idiot - that's far too much for one person.

No, my mission is to teach everyone in the world that they are worth something. I want everyone to know that they are bella. Not only do I believe that everyone is physically attractive in their own way, I believe that everyone has a beautiful inside. Not everyone shows it, and I want to help people realize that they don't have to be hateful and disgusting to one another.

Or to themselves.

It's a horrible thing, but people hate themselves. Not everyone does, but many people do, and I want to change that. I understand I can't change people. I'm not trying to do that. I'm trying to be as positive as I can be so that I can make people think about the way they treat others and themselves. I want to present an alternative way of thinking - one that, when presented with a random person walking down the street, doesn't automatically make baseless accusations against him or her. "She's wearing a short skirt - she must be a hooker. He has tattoos - he must be bad news. She looks rather young to have a child - she must be an unwed teenage mother whose baby daddy ran out on her."

People make these accusations not because they hate the person they are judging, but because they hate themselves and they want to boost their self-esteem.

I want people to realize they don't have to think this way.

I'm not perfect either. I don't completely hate myself, no. I can look in the mirror and say, "Wow, I'm beautiful." I can look at a picture of myself on Facebook and think, "Hey, I look really good here!" But I think about my qualities and I go, "Wow, I'm boring. I'm not very smart either. I wish I could lose some weight."

I'm hoping that I can change my mind through this blogging experience too.

I'm making a promise to you guys right now. I promise to update often (maybe a little sporadically, as life interferes), and I promise to only post uplifting things that will change everyone's thinking for the better. I promise to never change this blog into the type of blogs I've had in the past - the kind where the person only complains about their life. That helps no one. There is a difference between venting and wallowing in self-pity, and I promise to never burden you guys with that kind of stupidity.

We're all in this together. I'll do my part to help you guys, and I can only hope that you'll return the favor.

I know we can do this if we stick together and love God, ourselves, and one another.

Let's get started.

~Bella