God can do it all for you.

Hi guys, sorry I haven't been posting. Life interfered.

Most of the drama is over, for which I am grateful. Things aren't perfect, but they never are. I'm content, for the most part.

Things are falling into place. Not the way I imagined them, but the way God planned them. I wanted a bunch of things that just weren't going to happen. God got tough with me and told me He had better things planned. So I fought Him tooth and nail, naturally. But it turned out to be better than I ever thought it would if I did things my way.

I guess this post is about letting God take control of your life. At least, that's where my fingers and my sleep-deprived brain are taking me.

And guys, please don't think I'm shoving Christianity down your throats. If you don't believe, you don't believe, and I can't change that. I wish I could. I wish everyone could see how beautiful a life with Jesus as your best friend can be. But I can't. And if my talking about it all the time offends you or anything, you absolutely are not forced to read this. It's just that this is my blog, and I express myself here. I'm a very headstrong person and I generally do what I want. Not saying I'm disrespectful and I do a bunch of illegal stuff, but I have control of my life (within reason, because I don't want to contradict myself), and I do what I think I need to do to better myself.

Geez, I'm rambling. Okay. Let's try to get back on topic.

Let's use an example from my life. Not a very recent one, and not with a lot of details, because I want to keep as much anonymity as I can (although I might have already ruined that with another post). Anyway. I used to think I was absolutely, positively, completely in love with this guy. We talked all the time, and I had fallen head over heels for him. There was a slight distance problem that would have made a serious relationship pretty hard to manage, but I figured if we were really in love, then it wouldn't matter (I still believe that, but not with him, obviously). I thought I loved him for about two and a half years, and when you're an early teen, that's a long time to be infatuated with someone. You believe all that stupid crap about how if you like someone for so long, you're definitely in love with them.

What I failed to realize was that he was completely uninterested in me. I guess I knew it somewhere in the back of my mind, but again, I was a young teenager, and I didn't want to believe it. I remember crying to my mom several times about how I didn't want anyone else, and I didn't understand why he didn't love me back. Sometimes, our relationship was great. Best friends. Other times, I wanted to smack him because he treated me terribly. Of course, I blamed myself for being annoying, but that was before I became the person I am today, with the attitude of not taking any crap off of anyone.

So imagine my shock and pain when he got with another girl. A girl that I had been good friends with for awhile, who I had no idea that he even liked. I tried to get over it. I tried to be supportive. Of course, I was accused of trying to hit on him and get him to leave her for me. None of it was true, obviously. I might have been hurt seemingly beyond repair, but I do not try to steal other girls' boyfriends.

Anyway, I was devastated. Absolutely heartbroken. I shut out most people for a long time. I didn't talk to the two of them for a few months, maybe longer. I can't remember exactly how long. I made it worse by not talking to anyone outside of the situation about it. I shut it all in until I blew up. I can't remember exactly how it happened, it was so long ago (and I'm tired lol). But it was bad.

So a few months passed by. Prom rolled around. My best friend in school asked me. I wasn't planning on going, but I figured what the heck, I'd give him a chance. I knew he liked me, and I was really starting to like him back now that I had stopped obsessing over the guy who I was too blind to see had broken my heart. My heart was healing and I figured I could risk someone else taking it over, at least for a little while.

Best decision I have ever made. Ever. He is literally the best thing to ever happen to me. Holy crap. We've been together over a year and we haven't had any major life-altering problems yet. We laugh over the stupidest stuff, and send those long, mushy text messages telling each other how amazing they are. We have had complete strangers come up to us in public to tell us how amazing of a couple we are. I really think he's the one. :)

I absolutely believe God led me to him. We aren't perfect. We don't always put Him first. But I know that I was not meant to be with that other guy. I fought God tooth and nail to change how things were going to be so that I could end up with the other guy, but I see now how stupid I was to ever cry over him or dream of marrying him and having kids one day. Now I want that with my best friend. You know, the one who actually loves me and accepts me exactly the way I am.

So if you're in a position like the one I was in, please email me. Talk to me about it. I'm here for all of you. Trust me, I know what it's like.

God can do it. You don't have to worry. Just let Him make all your decisions for you and then listen to Him. Trust me, He knows what He's doing way better than any of us do.

I am so tired. Haha. I'm barely making sense to myself. Good night, you guys. I love you.

~Bella