I need help.

It's been awhile. I've been busy with college and stuff, but since we don't have school tomorrow, I'm writing now. I need to.

This post is going to be selfish. It's going to be about me. It's going to be that way because I need to vent.

I feel so lost. I feel like my life is spiraling downward. Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful life, but I'm so stressed out that I'm starting to forget all the beauty around me.

I've said before that I'm anorexic. I was okay for awhile . . . now I'm slipping back into it. I feel like I'm gaining weight from stress. Everyone says I'm so skinny, I have the perfect body . . . but I just don't see it. I see fat. I see this little bubble of fat on my stomach that is steadily growing.

So what do I do?

I stop eating. I can't help it.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know I'm not fat. But the majority of my mind tells me, "Yes, you are." And you know what sucks?

I believe it.

And I'm so insecure that part of me wants this just so I can feel like people care about me, even though I already know that I am so loved and so blessed beyond measure.

I hate mind games.

This whole post was word vomit, stream of consciousness. I'm past the point of caring. If you can find it in your heart to pray for me  . . . please, do so. And if you want to email me, either to comfort me or to seek comfort (or both), I would love that.

And as for you, anorexia . . . kiss my ass.

~Bella